


Smile Because it Happened

by ObtuseOctopus



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon Compliant, Character Death, Coping, F/F, Fluff and Angst, Grief/Mourning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-21
Updated: 2019-11-21
Packaged: 2021-02-18 09:33:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,128
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21508909
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ObtuseOctopus/pseuds/ObtuseOctopus
Summary: • COMPLETE. One shot. •Pumpkins don’t last forever. When Lapis has to come face to face with the unfortunate fate of organic life, it’s going to take an outside force or two to help guide her to stay on a path of hope and lay the weight off her shoulders.
Relationships: Lapis Lazuli/Pearl (Steven Universe), Lapis Lazuli/Peridot (Steven Universe)
Comments: 9
Kudos: 63





	Smile Because it Happened

Before Thanksgiving. A cool autumn day.

This couldn’t be happening.

“She doesn’t look… right.”

This absolutely could not be real.

“She isn’t moving.”

But when Lapis saw the rotten and sunken skin, the seeds cold in the pulp that stringed like old cobweb, she knew that a nightmare was overshadowing her.

“Lapis?”

White noise.

The body was limp on the grassy ground. Pumpkin wasn’t moving, and she looked like she had stayed inside an oven for far too long. She was on her side, flies already making a home in the remains. Orange guts had trailed to the last stop of the pet, what had been coughed up before she passed.

She remembers that she had moved rather quickly when Peridot had brought her over to figure out what was wrong; she had seen the state of the gourd and ran forward, her words choked on a sob that dared not come out. She was unable to touch, the body long gone, belonging to the Earth now. But her shock, oh that was real. She had her hands around the scene, wanting to pick up Pumpkin and say it was okay when it was not. She would  _ lie _ that all would be alright.

“Lapis-“

She had flown off quicker than a falcon could ascend, her wings a mess of water. Her body was in shock, in shame, in guilt. Their… companion?- was gone.

There would be no more playful licks, or the sound of the small feet pattering on the floor. No cute barks or bugs being chased about. No company when the dread of loneliness seeped through.

There would be no justice, as she wasn’t murdered. Simple as so, nature was cruel, and it took what it wanted when it wanted. If a flower was so beautiful that it couldn’t hold back, it would die, cease to exist as nature claims it for itself.

This Earth had  _ stolen _ something from her, the same the mirror had stolen her life, her freedom.

Pumpkin was gone.

Pumpkin was  _ dead _ .

And Lapis couldn’t fathom  _ why. _

Gems didn’t die by natural causes unless they had been shattered in some way. So to have something  _ mortal _ , something  _ organic  _ die in front of her was more than upsetting. It was puzzling, confusing, and grief had swallowed her whole. Why did things have to die?

_ “Aw, I’m sorry, guys. I don’t think there’s much I can do. Pumpkins… they don’t last forever.” _

Things didn’t last forever.

Things just… died.

_ “Is she sick?” _

_ “Steven, is she corrupted?” _

_ “No! No, it’s okay. It’s just… it’s something that happens when pumpkins start spoiling.” _

The same thing was going to happen to Steven in all due time. He was part human. He was mortal, just like Pumpkin. Things would leave her, whether she liked it or not. She didn’t want them to!

_ “... Spoiling?” _

_ “Yeah, see, it’s like bananas. After a while, they start turning brown and mushy. I… don’t think there’s much I can do. I’m so sorry, guys.” _

She couldn’t explain why her face was leaking, nor why her eyes watered. She  _ never _ cried unless it was forced out of her like back in the battle against her own former superior. She couldn’t explain why she felt so… so  _ ANGRY _ and so reckless. She snapped at everyone more often, and to her it felt like a giant slap in the face.

She had come so far, she had finally found that distant shore.

And now it was all backpedaling.

_ “Steven, you can keep healing her, right? Come back everyday and just…-“ _

_ “Lapis, I don’t want her to keep coming back in pain. Please, listen to me. All we can do is spend the last few days with her together.” _

A few weeks after the discovered decay of the gourd, she still felt absolutely crappy. Even Bismuth’s little words of advice didn’t help. She had opted out in helping build for a few, unable to conjure the energy to fly as smoothly anymore and lacking the strength to lift some planks like she used to.

Her throat felt dry, though she had no need for drinking any liquids. Her chest was heavy, though no rock held her down. Her eyes were exhausted and often randomly burst into a leaking fit, tears as she had been told. Her body would shake and thoughts would eat at her, chewing her from the inside out.

She was unable to sleep, unable to relax.

In Pumpkin’s last moments, she imagined;  _ what if it was Steven? _

Though not the boy but a pumpkin, the same guilt and bedridden depression still lived.

Pumpkin was gone.

Her…  _ baby _ , was gone.

Baby was the word that humans used to describe their infants, offspring that were tiny copies of them. Babies were fragile, they were frail, and often when a baby died, immense pain followed like the snake on a mouse, venom in the brain.

Pumpkin was her  _ baby. _

_ Their  _ baby _. _

And although nature had done the cruel deed, still she couldn’t help but mourn like she had killed the gourd herself. Guilt was a powerful weapon, and it came when it pleased just like emotions who turmoil in a sea of black.

To have an attachment to something such as an animated pumpkin, it was ridiculous. Gems didn’t even have babies. They couldn’t make the same family attachments! She wasn’t used to anything  _ dying!  _ Yet Pumpkin had been by their side even through rough times, and she knows that she had upset the poor thing back when she was still battling herself in an internal war and ended up taking the entire barn. She didn’t  _ want  _ the barn in the first place, yet she took the entire fucking thing, and smashed it on the beach. Even if it was for good cause, those memories were gone, morps and all. And so was Pumpkin now.

Did Pumpkin go in pain?

Perhaps it was karma for what she did; for using Jasper as her punching bag, for smashing Peridot’s recorder, for taking the barn, for nearly drowning Steven.

Pumpkin was dead, and she couldn’t change the past the same how she couldn’t change what she had done in the past. She felt powerless.

  
  


  * ====•



  
  


Holidays came and went, so did the days. New Years had recently passed.

The evening was quiet when Lapis had returned to her settlement in Little Homeworld, after a day of wallowing around and moping on the beach, somewhere where nobody could see her pain. She had found a great place to retreat to when she was emotional, near the lighthouse just below the crag in a small and secluded cavern where the tide came in as the day got late. When she deemed herself under control enough, she would return and brush off everything under a smile to assure all was fine to not worry others.

But everything was not fine.

And she didn’t know how to deal with it.

Just as she started getting comfortable upon her hammock, someone small had came by to get her attention. It was no other than Peridot. And the green technician had softly tapped her shoulder to see if she was awake.

“What do you want?” Lapis grumbled as soon as she had been touched, her back to the other. Even if she didn’t mean to be in such a sour state, it just… happened. Emotions to her were something she wished she never had to deal with, because everybody could figure her out so quickly yet she couldn’t even help nor figure out herself. She was swimming in a sea of debris, oil that held her down like tar.

“I’m sorry, if this is a bad time-...” Peridot trailed off nervously, which made Lapis feel only more guilty. Peridot wasn’t the reason that she was so upset- that was the word,  _ upset- _ yet she was taking it out on her the same that she had taken out her frustration on Jasper.

“... It’s not,” Lapis sighed after a moment of quiet. She reluctantly had caved in, not wanting to have more people worry about her or anything. It irritated her for reasons unexplainable. She wished nobody would care. She wanted to be alone. “What’s going on?”

“Uh, you’ll have to see for yourself,” Peridot coaxed. “But, I think you’re really going to like it.” 

Lapis doubted it, whatever Peridot was talking about. Her body didn’t want to move, drained of any energy, but she forced herself to get out of the hammock anyway. She didn’t want to cause any more disruptions to this damned happily ever after.

“Come on!” Peridot was rather eager, already beginning to lead the way to… somewhere. Most Gems were already retiring for the evening in Little Homeworld, some of them in circles around a campfire or temporary tents and unfinished housings, socializing, laughing, joking, enjoying life. Lapis had stopped for a second as she followed after the smaller Gem to envy them from afar, jealousy like a toxin shooting through her.

She eventually pulled her eyes away, silent as she was led along by Peridot. “Does it have to be this far?” Lapis murmured.

“I wanted to choose somewhere appropriate,” Peridot responded, which only heightened Lapis’ curiosity. “So, I made it somewhere I think she would really like.”

_ … She. _

_ Oh no. _

_ Oh stars no. _

_ This didn’t have to do with…-. Did it-? _

Lapis swore her feet were like stone. Yet she still went along, even if uneasy. And when Peridot had brought her to the outskirts of Little Homeworld, her assumptions were only confirmed. She stopped before this could go on any further. “... We’re going to the country, aren’t we?”

Peridot paused. Lapis knew she got her. 

“Peridot-“ Lapis began with a sigh, only for the other Gem to cut her off as Peridot turned around.

“No, nono, I mean yes we’re going to the countryside, but trust me, you will really like it! I made it myself. Steven told me the ritual about when someone you love passes away and how they do it here. I thought I should give it a shot, out of respect,” Peridot reasoned.

Lapis clenched her hands into fists. “Passed away- don’t you dare sugarcoat it like that! Just say she’s  _ dead!” _

Peridot gulped, shying away sheepishly some. “I didn’t want you to be in any more pain than you already-“

“I’m not in pain, Peridot!” Lapis yelled, her emotions easily getting the best of her as they spilled over.

Peridot was skittish until she got the courage to stand up for herself. She furrowed her brow, frowning. She too was emotional, and it was giving her strength in the conversation. “Then why are you yelling at me?”

“I’m not yelling at you!” Lapis hissed.

“Yes you are! You’re increasing the volume of your voice level, you’re  _ shouting _ at the least!” Peridot explained.

“Oh, so I’m  _ supposed  _ to be all happy like nothing happened?!”

“No-? I didn’t say that-!” Peridot whined.

“Then how are you taking this SO WELL? Did Pumpkin just… NOT  _ MATTER _ ?” Lapis challenged.

Peridot definitely was irate now. “She mattered so much to me!  _ You  _ were the one who left her and I behind! She was upset when you left! I was upset when you left! Lapis-! This isn’t just about you, clod! I’m affected too! I loved Pumpkin-!”

“Shut. It.” Lapis didn’t want to hear it anymore, the mention of loving Pumpkin breaking her inside out. Her eyes were watering again, yet she didn’t want to reveal her most vulnerable of states. “Just… fucking SHUT UP, Peridot!”

Peridot was shocked, and even Lapis was too. The small Crystal Gem gave a look, and her eyes were wide with surprise.

There was silence. Lapis  _ never _ used any vulgar human curses like that unless she absolutely was for sure ticked off.

_ I didn’t mean to-... _

Peridot stared for a bit longer before she bit her bottom lip. She let out a sniffle, then turned and walked off.

Only then did Lapis feel guilty when she actually saw the repercussions for what she had done. “... Peridot-“

“No! I’m sorry I tried to do something for her! I miss her too a lot, you know!” Peridot said as she refused to look back. “She was the only one there for me when you left! She was all I had left of  _ you _ !” And then Peridot had started running off, back towards Little Homeworld, not wanting to get caught up in a verbal battle.

As the stars came out and the moon rose, Lapis stood still, weighed with conflict. She watched as Peridot disappeared back to the settlement, shame growing within her.

Pumpkin was the only thing Peridot had left of her? That had to be during when she fled to the moon.

Peridot…  _ cared  _ about her. About Pumpkin too.

_ What have I done…? _

She just broke Peridot’s trust, didn’t she? Or was it faith?

Pumpkin definitely wouldn’t like for her to be like this. … No, fuck that. Pumpkin was dead. She wouldn’t think nor see anything anymore. Pumpkins didn’t last forever, and neither did joy.

What was the point of being alive?

_ To suffer? _

Lapis was as clueless to that as she was clueless with this whole situation. And not only that, but when she started dwelling on her past, returned the old demons she had once faced.

Her cheek felt wet, and she wiped the tears away with one hand. She never cried. She never was like this.

Pumpkin really… as small as this should be as compared to all the rest; a prisoner, an informant, a fusion bound, a scared Gem, this left the biggest impact of all. She didn’t want to deal with this right now, she couldn’t slay the hydra just yet.

So, she did what she could only do, and that was  _ run.  _ Or in this case, fly off. Lapis summoned her wings and took off into the sky.

Though she had been the lionhearted in times of crisis, the sea serpent to bite back, it was the smallest thing that broke her, reducing her back to a tiny coward of a sea shrimp when it came to finding her inner strength.

She was ashamed of herself.

She felt alone.

And most of all, frightened of the unknown, the ifs, the unpredictable.

Yes, she upset Peridot. And she didn’t know how to come back after that point. It was one thing to run off with the barn. But to deliberately tell her to actually fuck off? It was a whole new level.

The beach however was somewhat calming when Lapis arrived, only letting her wings disappear back into her gemstone once her feet are back on the ground. She missed the feeling of sand between her toes, but sandals were more favorable when came the time she walked across rocks. … Or glass.

The hidden cavern that she knew best was drowned in saltwater. It was past dark, so the tide was in. That left the cavern out of option unless she wanted to stay underwater. So it was either the cliff where the lighthouse stood, or the beach itself.

She chose the beach.

It had been incredibly a long while for her to get used to her own element again, to trust it as so as she trusted her own hands again. Malachite… still breathed where she dared falter.

Time seemed to be thinly frozen as she stayed on the shore, listening to the waves and the scent of the ocean breeze rafting over her in an aquatic lullaby. She let herself be submerged in the sounds of the environment, little care for the world.

  
  


  * ====•



  
  


It was simple while it lasted.

It helped keep herself from sinking under her mind. Her eyes were closed, and she was able to stand so close to the tide without any uneasiness.

Until a sudden light from the Temple afar reminded her that she needed to figure this out fast. Did she want to stay here and get lost in her mind the rest of the night? Or forget it? Because judging by the light, someone was coming from the Temple, and she sent a prayer to the Moon Goddess that it wasn’t Steven. That was the  _ last _ thing she needed after upsetting Peridot.

It was because of her that people got hurt.

_ She  _ hurt the people that were closest to her.

What if she was a disease? A plague that could  _ kill _ somebody else? 

Maybe she was the reason Pumpkin died.

It made her sick to think of it. She nervously held her arm and bit her bottom lip, glancing down at the sand. Her ears rang loudly with nothingness. She lost temporary focus of her surroundings, more worried about her own self. She didn’t even know how long she had been standing.

So when she had her attention brought back to reality, it was both relief and irritation to see who exactly had grounded her, bringing her head back to Earth.

“Lapis? What are you doing out here?”

She knew that voice well. It was the voice of the one who had kept her in that mirror. Lapis was already on edge. She could stand most of the team, as well as most of the people Steven knew, but alone with Pearl? It was iffy. Fifty fifty for whether she would be able to stick around.

Lapis groaned. “... I was just leaving.” At least it wasn’t Steven. She could face anyone except the people she was closer to. They had a higher risk of getting poisoned too, or driven off by reckless behavior. Death, even. She had power, she had  _ strength _ . And if she wasn’t careful, it could  _ kill _ .

“You’ve been standing there for at least four hours.” Pearl had gradually approached the ocean Gem, a fairly small box in her hold. “It’s unnerving when you look outside and see someone just standing there. I could have probably forgiven it if you were just a human and it was near the time of one of those traditional fall holidays where everyone likes to dress up and get candy as they scare each other. Technically a modernized All Hallow’s Eve, if you want to be more traditional. You have seen last year, right?”

“I said I was leaving,” Lapis firmly repeated. Then, she gave a questioning glare. “... How did you… were you watching me the whole time?” She spat, wondering how Pearl knew exactly how long she had been standing on the beach.

“Not exactly, but it’s hard to ignore a shadow outside a window.” Pearl adjusted her hold on the box. “After everything that’s happened, I can’t help but be cautious around Steven when Gems are being involved. One last week after she was healed of her corruption was about ready to go for it. We… had to put her in temporary timeout. We’ll try again with her later.”

Lapis winced at the mention of Steven. 

_ “Steven, please. I know if you just keep-!” _

_ “I’m sorry, Lapis. Pumpkin… she’s gone.” _

“On the other hand, the Diamonds keep requesting that Steven come and join them on Homeworld again. I’m afraid that they still don’t see him as his own person. They’re still convinced that he’s Pink Diamond,” Pearl had continued, though Lapis was hardly listening, occupied by her thoughts. Another half of her was thinking:  _ why the fuck are you even telling me all this? _

_ I don’t want to hear all this crap. _

_ Stop it. _

_ Shut up. _

_ I’m going to strangle you, I don’t want to HEAR IT ANYMORE. _

Lapis had to distract her head or risk drowning in a sea of trafficking memories and bitter thoughts.

“... What’s in the box?” Lapis popped the question, annoyed by the other and yet also dumbfounded by the object.

Pearl immediately had gone flustered. If she was a bird, her feathers would be fluffed by now. “O-oh, nothing but some things to throw out. It’s no big deal.”

Lapis wasn’t buying it. It was a lie to try and throw her off, and she challenged Pearl on it. “You throw your garbage… into the ocean?”

“Some do. In fact, parts of the ocean are actually littered with trash, and the marine life suffers for it. It’s disgusting how they dump their residue.”

“That’s gross.”

“I know,” Pearl agreed.

“But… What’s in the box?” Lapis said again. She had forgotten about wanting to leave. Her curiosity was killing her. And, it was giving her a reason to ignore her head for a bit at the least. This distraction from all her emotions was perfect for the time being.

Pearl set down the box, casting a rueful expression. Lapis could tell that she knew there wasn’t much of any other way out of this. “In a few minutes, it will be Steven’s birthday,” she began, letting out a defeated sigh. 

“Birthday?”

Pearl nodded. “Think of it as an emerging date if you were in a Kindergarten. But, humans celebrate it.”

“Humans celebrate… being born?” Lapis was puzzled, but also thankful for the conversation distracting her, even if with someone she still held a bit of a grudge towards. Not as severe as her internal on and off grudges towards others who had directly wronged her, however. So she could afford to loosen up some here. “And I thought Christmas was crazy. Or that… New Year thing.”

Pearl chuckled. “There’s a lot of things I find to be odd on this planet.” She knelt down, placing a hand on the surface of the box. “But there’s still beauty even in the things I don’t understand. Rose- … Pink saw it.” She sounded crestfallen, having stumbled on the name. “And now, I will continue to too.” She took a moment before she opened the box, revealing a few freshly picked pink roses inside as well as what looked like a small wax candle that smelled like buttercream.

“I… don’t think I understand,” Lapis said. “What does that have to do with the box?” She took a chance as she stepped closer to the pale Gem.

Pearl took out a rose after opening the box, examining it between her thin fingers. “It’s going to be a birthday, certainly, which I know will and should be an exciting day. Especially for Steven. He likes to celebrate it with us and insists on us having a birthday as well, since us Gems normally don’t celebrate minor things such as so. But, at the same time…”

Lapis fell quiet. She was starting to click two and two together. She knew what had happened behind the conclusion of the war, including who and what Steven was and what gem he had. And she could make a good assumption of what Pearl was alluding to if she didn’t miss any details. Steven was a hybrid. And in order for him to exist… “... You miss someone, don’t you?”

Pearl nodded slowly. “When Steven was born-...”

“I know.” Lapis decided that she cut Pearl off, so that the other wouldn’t have to finish a painful sentence. It was awfully odd how a time like this was making her begin to realize that someone was in a similar position as her, even if not exactly the same with who they had lost. Nor were they exactly the best of friends relationship wise. Pearl to her was just another Crystal Gem, one of Steven’s allies, someone who had helped kept her trapped for eons. Someone she could  _ stand  _ at most. But… now? She didn’t know what her feelings about Pearl were upon seeing a more open side of her. A side that she could… empathize with. She kind of… opened up to her more. “You’re grieving.”

“I wish it wasn’t so obvious,” Pearl murmured. “But I suppose someone like you isn’t so gullible.”

Lapis knelt down in front of the other, an emotion she rarely felt taking over her body- sympathy. She took note of the rose and candle. “What were you going to do?”

“Oh, nothing much, honestly. I usually just come out here when the whole world is at ease and… light a candle in her memory. It’s an odd ritual I saw some humans doing some time after I lost her. They were doing it in memory of one of their family members. I found it to be intriguing, and just picked up on it, doing this since,” Pearl informed. “It’s not much, I- I know she’s gone. And I don’t at all regret Steven being here. After all, he is the only thing I have left of her.”

_ “She was all I had left of you!” _

_ Peridot…  _

_ Pumpkin was her Steven. But now Pumpkin is gone. _

_ What if Steven dies one day? _

_ Today I lost my baby.  _

_ Peridot lost her Steven. _

_ And what if I lose him too one day? _

_ No. _

_ What if  _ we  _ lose Steven? _

_ What if… _

“Are you alright?” Pearl asked softly.

“I-... yeah.” Lapis scratched the back of her head. She was relieved that Pearl had helped cut off her worrisome thoughts before they could actually take off.

“You seem… relaxed,” Pearl commented. “More than usual if I say. I remember the last time you saw me on a casual day to day basis, you glared at me and absolutely refused to speak to me.”

Lapis felt embarrassed.

“It’s because of the mirror incident, isn’t it?” Pearl mentioned.

_ No-! _

_ Okay, so maybe a little. _

_ So what?! _

Lapis opened her mouth to speak, but closed it quickly. Pearl noticed, taking the response as a confirmation.

“I’m sorry for what I’ve caused you.”

“Huh?” Lapis hadn’t been expecting an apology out of all things.

“I’m serious, and you don’t have to forgive me,” Pearl said. She put the rose back down in the box when she got tired of keeping it between her fingers.

“Okay… What do you want from me?” Lapis deadpanned.

“I don’t want anything. I just can’t live with so much… guilt anymore. It’s unhealthy to do so anyway. I need to let it go in favor of a healthier coping mechanism. I’m  _ able _ to let it go now. The times are different now after all. It’s time some of us, if not all, start new.”

Lapis raised a brow. “Guilt?”

“Yes, guilt. It’s an emotion you get when you-“

“No. I know what guilt is.”

“Then-?”

Lapis inhaled gently. “... I’m tired of being guilty too.”

Pearl was the one to become curious now. The night breeze softly whispered through her hair, the reflection of the moon cascading on the water as she picked up her box. 

Lapis went on, “And I don’t know what to do.” She held one arm, her gaze on the sand below her. “What’s… a coping mechanism?”

“Well… it's what someone uses to heal, to move on from something. You cope with a bad thing, by doing a good thing, something that makes you feel better,” Pearl defined. 

“Like?”

“Art, can be one. Writing, therapy, music, oh there’s so many different ways.” Pearl began to take her box towards the water, and Lapis followed her. “It’s only been about fourteen years, but when you compare that to on top of the war… The battles, the friends you’ve lost and the deeds you had to do...”

“You… grieve. By doing something good?”

“If you take it that way,” Pearl said. “You seemed to be doing well with those art pieces of yours, and the project of Little Homeworld. Steven likes to tell me about the progress on it whenever he goes to visit. And it’s not just grieving that you can use a coping mechanism for.”

Lapis was quiet as she watched Pearl. The lanky Gem was upon the box again, placing the roses into the water after taking them out one by one. After, she took out the candle, and lit it using a small lighter. Lapis was mesmerized by the soft glow of the flame when it blazed alive. 

As the roses drifted out at sea rather slowly at their own pace, Pearl kept the candle in her hand. Lapis looked at her once she was immune to the draw of the fire. “What about a mechanism for losing someone? Or… for what had happened to you?”

“Well, who did you lose?” Pearl went on to correct herself, “I mean- if you don’t mind sharing.” Then she gasped, a hand over her mouth like she spoke taboo. “Oh… oh no, don’t tell me-...”

_ Yeah. She knows. _

“... Pumpkin. Yeah. She’s… gone.” Lapis felt bummed again. She shifted one foot in the sand, some of the small particles gathering against the side of her sandal.

“I’ve heard about that. I'm awfully sorry.” Pearl genuinely sounded apologetic. “Steven did his best to bring her back. He’s still upset about that too, you know. I don’t blame him either, he’s still young, and he’s still trying to fix everything he can-.”

_ Stop it. _

“I know.” Lapis crossed her arms. “But it doesn’t... help…” She sighed loudly. “I snapped at Peridot. I- I don’t even know why-... I was just so… angry…”

“Grief is a strong feeling, I know,” Pearl murmured. “I… know.”

“And guilt,” Lapis added. “I still can’t believe I liked taking everything out on Jasper. She never even did anything directly to me- she was doing her job. She’s supposed to get answers out of me. She’s supposed to do her mission. Now, all she wants is fusion. I ruined her. She… If a Gem doesn’t complete their job-“

“Then they get shattered.” Pearl nodded in understanding. “But, at least now with a new Era, things can change. Things can look up for the better now. You can forget the past and look toward the future. You don’t have to be stuck in the past.”

“Then, why do I still feel like this?” Lapis asked. “Why do I still feel like- like crap? For everything I did- stars, I almost drowned Steven even at least twice. How can anybody be happy with that? Why do I still feel like I want to be trapped underwater? Like I want to go back to  _ her  _ even though I KNOW it’s bad?! Why did I snap at Peridot? Why do I feel so… so..-?!” She sighed, stopping herself before she could cause an even bigger fuss, hands clenched to keep herself under control.

_ There’s so much on my mind. _

_ Pumpkin, Peridot, Steven, Jasper…-? _

_ I don’t know what I’m even angry about anymore! _

_ There’s too much-! _

Pearl hummed. “You don’t quite understand emotions, do you?” She asked. Then, placed a hand over her chest. “Deep breath in. Deep breath out, feel the air in your chest expand and then let it out by three. Focus on the primary of your emotions. Feel the water drip down.”

_ Breathe. _

“Not really…” Lapis admitted as she took the advice to settle down. “I mean, other people know what I’m feeling. … I don’t.”

_ And I hate it. _

Pearl said nothing for a while. Then, she placed a hand on Lapis’ shoulder. “You will come to understand in due time, after you learn to understand yourself.”

“Will I ever?” Lapis contemplated. “How soon?”

“It takes plenty of time.”

Lapis groaned.

_ Great, so never. _

“But you already did the first step.”

“... Huh?” Lapis was perplexed.

“Why don’t you talk about it a bit more? How are you feeling?”

_ How am I… feeling…? _

Lapis bit her lip. She didn’t know whether it was humiliating that she was getting therapy from the Gem who had held her, or if it was actually helping. “Mad. Upset,” she began, coming up with words that best explained her emotions the best she could, even if difficult. “Sad. Wanting to… sleep a lot. Do nothing. Ugh, those aren’t even emotions.”

_ I’m trying. _

“But they’re still explaining how you feel. Does it make you feel any better to let it out rather than keep it in?”

“I guess… yeah.”

“Keep going.”

_ If you say so... _

“Uh… Guilty. Ashamed? I feel like I did everything wrong. I feel like… a part of me is missing. Like I poisoned someone. I… I feel like I make things worse…?” Lapis tried to think of a bit more before she let out a snort under her breath. “This feels so dumb.”

“It may feel that way, but it’s better out than in.” Pearl studied the burning candle in her hand, watching the melting wax. “Especially when it comes to mourning. I’ve learned the hard way that it’s worse alone, unless you absolutely need the time to yourself to process what happened.”

“You need to process?”

Pearl went on to elaborate, “It’s much like thinking over it, coming to terms that it’s happened.” She looked at Lapis. “It took me a while to process my grief.” 

_ Process. _

Lapis allowed there to be a small pause, giving the other some time to have her own moment.

_ … Process. _

_ Time to… properly think over everything and properly… figure out why I’m upset. _

“But, even after I’ve processed everything, I still miss her everyday…” Pearl wiped her eye with her index finger. “I know there isn’t anything I can do, no power in the universe can rewrite time. But I can either cherish today, or I can be stuck in the past. … And even then, as much time as I need is alright.” 

Lapis still was quiet, rather awed that the other also had a fair share of vulnerability. She had seen it in others too when there was nothing left to lose, when the whole world became her enemy, but this was the first time that she had seen  _ Pearl _ like this. She wondered: was this what she looked like to Peridot?

She still found it unbelievable how she was managing to connect with Pearl, the one who had dismissed her as nothing but a mere object when she had been held inside the wicked mirror.

_ I’m so confused. _

_ Yet so... _

“It’s… okay, to grieve...” Lapis whispered, absentmindedly to herself as she summarized what Pearl was teaching her here.

_ Pearl says she had done everything to move on.  _

_ But death is permanent. _

_ Grieving can be… forever. Even if you’re really good at hiding it. _

_ And Pumpkin… _

_ Death occurs everyday, everywhere, anywhere.  _

_ You might as well get used to it now. _

_ But… it’s okay to be sad. _

_ It’s okay. _

_ Dust to dust, ashes to ashes. Don’t inhale it. _

_ Witness it. _

_ Breathe. _

_ Then let the grass grow back. _

“It’s not my place to tell you what you should do when it comes to serious griefs such as your… experience with Jasper, but at least consider that with Pumpkin, that there is nothing wrong with mourning.” Pearl looked at peace with herself. “Remember those moments you had with her, the good times. Cherish that.”

_ I know… _

Lapis took a moment before she took a look down at the roses in the water. 

_ I loved Pumpkin. _

_ I miss her barks. _

_ Her smile. _

_ Her wagging tail. _

_ And now she’s gone. _

_ But… it’s okay. _

Pearl gave a puzzled expression as Lapis took a knee down by the water. The former terraformer stole a second to breathe in gently through her nostrils, again practicing the breathing exercise that had been taught to her, then she reached out towards the floating roses. With one hand, she manipulated the saltwater to aid carry the roses more out to sea, the waves a smooth cradle.

_ Thank you for the time you gave us, Pumpkin. _

_ … Thank you for teaching me love. Happiness. _

_ If it hurts this much, that means that it had been good at first for it to hurt now. _

Not a word was exchanged. The flowers rode the tide, their scarlet petals like spilt blood swirling in liquid. The stars began to rule the night again when Pearl had blown her candle out, coming to understanding that Lapis was taking part respectfully with her ritual of remembrance.

Lapis stood back up after she had done her part, moving beside Pearl to the other’s side. The moonlight caught the edges of both of their faces, shadows grim where it did not touch.

“... Thank you,” Pearl murmured, quietly, at last.

And Lapis just nodded. There was an unspoken treaty between them. For now, she could let the ice in her heart thaw, and she could share some spared sympathy.

  
  


  * ====•



  
  


The early morning light was breathing its first gasp as the night faded into disappearing blues to make way for a new day. The roses were long gone washed to new shores, the candle wax hardened after it had burned and ached.

Lapis had taken to the skies after an abrupt and also short goodbye, the peace between she and Pearl returning to uncertainty after the vulnerable moment they had shared. Though Pearl had helped her come to a little, if not major, understanding of her own emotions- her own  _ grief _ \- Lapis knew that as for the other half of her explosive attitude yesterday, she would need to do it on her own. 

She knew that other griefs, other remorses, other problems and guilts still lived on.

But the root of the problem for  _ the moment of now  _ was with Pumpkin… passing away. And if she didn’t deal with it- if she didn’t face it head on, it was only going to stack on top of other things she held emotions towards. Negative emotions.

_ As much time as I need is alright. _

_ You can do this. _

_ You can do this in your own time. _

_ But take too long… and you may miss your chance… _

_ You can grieve. _

_ You can mourn. _

_ But… time to stop running. _

_ Be a better person. _

_ Take the first step. _

_ It starts today. _

She didn’t even know if Peridot was willing to see her again after blowing up at her yesterday. What if she wasn’t? Or what if she was given the silent treatment?

When her golden sandals made contact with the ground, only then did her water wings disappear back into her gemstone. Lapis crossed her arms, glancing out at Little Homeworld and the surrounding community that she now considered home. 

_ Breathe in. _

_ Breathe out. _

Pearl’s advice from last night was working well in her favor. Lapis trekked over to the homemade settlement, on a clear path straight for where Peridot had made her claim among the various other homes.

_ Breathe in. And breathe out. _

_ What if she doesn’t want to see me? _

_ It’s justified, you know. You… YELLED and CURSED at her. _

_ You BROKE her tape recorder. You STOLE her barn. _

_ Wake up, idiot.  _

_ APOLOGIZE. _

_ At the least, do it for Pumpkin if not yourself. _

_ Please. _

Holding her arm rather nervously in response to the internal battle going on in her head, Lapis swore that her heartbeat, should she have one, was racing as she approached Peridot’s keep. She paused just outside the makeshift entrance, then peered her head in to see if the technician was about.

… She was inside. Peridot was there, sitting upon a mess of pillows tapping away on her tablet. At least she didn’t lock herself in a bathroom.

But now here was the hard part.

Lapis took a silent breath before she stepped in entirely, pushing past the green tarp that made up the entrance to the little home made of metal and wood. 

Peridot didn’t even look up.

So Lapis had to get her attention. She cleared her throat.

The green Gem turned her head in response to the noise, turning off her tablet only after she had seen who had invaded her home. Her face showed signs of being fairly surprised, and she had gotten up rather hastily from her comfortable pillow seat. “... Lapis-?”

“Hey,” Lapis deadpanned with a small but forced smile.

“What are you…? I mean-“ Peridot narrowed her eyes without any anger, adjusting the visor over her face with two fingers. “H- how are you doing?” She was concerned.

“... Fine.” There was a hesitance. Even Lapis sensed it, self aware.

“Ah- I’m… sorry about yesterday.” Peridot gave an ashamed slump of her shoulders and let her head tilt down, shying away slightly like a nervous sparrow.

“I just… didn’t want to hear it at the moment.” Lapis massaged her own elbow.

“I shouldn’t have pushed you-“

“No, you didn’t push me, I  _ needed _ that push-“

“But you looked hurt! Lapis, I  _ hurt  _ you by reminding you about-...!” Peridot sighed, sounding at a loss. 

So, Lapis took charge. “No. Listen, I…” the blue Gem rubbed the back of her head with her hand, her fingers combing through navy hair. “I need to apologize. To you. For… everything.”

Peridot was a bit astonished, caught off guard. “Apologize-? No, Lapis it’s-...”

“It is  _ not _ okay, Peridot!” Lapis interrupted. “All this time I’ve been on earth… for everything that I have done… don’t ever make it okay that I have never apologized to you! And yesterday I was just so… so  _ mad _ and  _ upset _ about losing  _ her _ , I didn’t even stop to think about how you were affected too. I  _ never _ stopped to think about  _ you _ . It’s always been…  _ me. _ ” She cast a shameful glance to the ground. “... I neglected you. I… dismissed you-. Like you were nothing- like you were just a mirror. An object. Not an actual being. But that’s not true. You’re a Gem. A  _ Crystal _ Gem. And you have emotions too.”

Peridot lent an ear, her eyes reflecting with astonishment.

So Lapis thus continued. “Peridot… I’m so  _ sorry _ about what I did. About everything.” She inhaled shakily. “… About Pumpkin. You don’t… have to forgive me.” She spoke with serious sincerity, her posture lightly fumbling.

_ That choice is yours. _

_ Just like how I chose with Pearl. _

“... I forgive you,” Peridot decided at last. Lapis had glanced up to make direct eye contact, fairly surprised.

“You… do?”

“Of course!”

“But, you don’t have to-!”

“I know! But Lapis, I forgive you. I sincerely do.”

Lapis stared for a good few seconds.

“This… thing with Pumpkin really has us affected,” Peridot said.

“Yeah…” Lapis agreed. 

Peridot gave a small groan. “It’s going to be awfully a lot quieter…”

“Yeah,” Lapis agreed again, glancing at the floor.

A bit more silence.

“... Can I have a hug?” Peridot asked when the quiet became too much ambient noise. Lapis didn’t even need to wait for any further request, bending down a little to bring the green Gem into a soft embrace. They stayed that way for a while. “I really miss Pumpkin…”

“Me too.” Lapis pulled away slightly, getting Peridot to look at her by using one hand to tilt Peridot’s chin up towards her. “But… hey. It’s okay. It’s okay to be upset… And you’re not alone. We’re in this together.” She offered one hand to the technician. And Peridot took it. “We’ll get through this.” She gave a small assuring smile, taking the other’s hand. “Together.”

**Author's Note:**

> // Ironically this was originally written like a month ago yet it has similar themes to one of my other fics lol; Lapis has emotions TM and has others give her therapy and then boom; make up. Also included Lapis apologizing because I thought it be just now that she’s in a happier position with a healthy support system, thus she starts learning her past wrongs and try to become better than the old her in a sense.
> 
> This also was a bit hard for me to write- by the time I got to the ending I kind of half-assed it, I’m sorry xD This was written originally after I had lost a dear friend of mine, so I felt more into the mourning parts and whatnot.


End file.
